Waiting for Community

Over the last couple of weeks I've been contemplating what it means for me to wait. The areas where my patience is most tried and the situations where I am most likely to end up in tears.

• traffic - occasionally I wonder where all the cars came from but my commute is short and I know some helpful shortcuts. But overall I am a patient, albeit speedy driver. 
• computer programs - most users of technology are aware of this requirement and we allow technology to bend us to its timeline. but it is just an expected part of using technology.
• lines - well, some are shorter than others but the longer lines can be nice for people watching and impulse purchases!

and

• waiting for a spouse. this is truly the area in my life where I have the least amount of patience and results in the most questions and tears.

Most of my friends are married and have small children and I always assumed that at the ripe old age of 35 that I too would be married with small children. From the outside I watch my friend's marriages and childraising and wonder what that would look like in my own life. Would I chafe at the restrictions imposed by that life or would I flourish with joy? Will I be a good wife, lover, mother, scheduler, laundress, baker, cook, nurse, maid, accountant, gardener, or any of the other roles imposed by the life choice of welcoming others into my life? Or am I selfish, conceited and too full of myself to even be worthy of such a high calling? From the outside, I see the community that is within the family where man, woman and children are bound together, supporting each other in the face of the trials and joys we receive in this world.

And I wish for that community.

Yet, I have the freedom to get away for a weekend without worrying about someone else schedule. It is very easy to find someone else to feed the cat! No one depends upon me to be there for them: to pick them up from school, daycare or work; to make them breakfast, pack a lunch, or make them dinner; to wash clothes, faces or dirty butts; or to hold close showing my love. Freedom has its price in the loneliness of a quiet house on a late evening. For while a cat can bring comfort, it doesn't fill the lonely hole.

And I chafe at the loneliness.

Yes, I can cry out to my God, who is always there, to fill my lonely places. But sometimes I wished He had human hands to hold me tight, lips to kiss my tears away, or a body that I could cling to when I need strength. For I see that He uses families to meet those needs. Over the years as I've looked and waited, I've learned that I am frail on the inside and very afraid to share my fragility. Unfortunately, it can appear from the outside that I am strong, independent and ready to take on the world so people see to assume I don't need anything. When in reality I am desperately looking for encouragement and hope that comes through community.

And I wait.