Advent Lessons: Trusting through the Tears

It is amazing to me to see how God works in mysterious ways. The Advent and Christmas Wisdom from St. Thomas Aquinas book by Andrew Carl Wisdom, OP with advent readings was not my first choice but it has proven to be the one that I am supposed to read. Day 1 describes Advent as "a time of patient waiting for the lord to be reborn once again in our hearts." (Wisdom, 3)

So far the theme this week seems to be waiting and trusting. Both difficult places to rest. And both relate to patience. Ahem, not one of my favorite things! It is interesting that to others I can come across as patient, I am not naturally a patient person. Anyone who has ridden in a car with me driving can attest to that! *cough* lead-foot *cough.  During college I went to Poland as part of a IVCF Global Project. I came back excited with how God had taught me to trust him even more. And naively I assumed the lesson was learned and I would move on to the next thing.

Evidently I need to learn more about trust.  The prayer for Day 3 made that clear. "Loving God, I don't like to wait. So I don't wait to see the unfolding of your kingdom or to rejoice in the Savior you have given me, because I would have to relinquish control. ... You see, Lord, if I am really honest, while I believe in you, I don't always trust that you will be there to pick up the pieces." (Wisdom, 7)Wow! Sobs whelmed up within, quite unexpected. And I realized, that I was broken and I did not trust that God was there to pick up the pieces, bringing healing.

broken pieces of a sunflower candle warmer

A few weeks ago, my heart was shattered and I'm still struggling to gather up the shards. A couple of weeks later, when I accidentally broke my favorite candle warmer, it seemed like an extension of my life.  A numbness followed by tears or vice-versa. More tears than seem humanly possible and quite often at the most inopportune times. One Sunday, tears flowed down my face throughout mass. From the first note of the opening hymn to the postlude. While I tried to hide my tears from nearby parishioners, I know that God was there with me in the presence of Jesus Christ in the Eucharist. And He saw my tears, each and every one, even the ones I tried to hide.

Psalm 56: 9*
"My wanderings you have noted, are my tears not stored in your vial, recorded in your book?"

And comfort comes through sacred scripture and prayer.  I am in awe that God records my tears and stores them in His vial. And hope that one day the vial will be full and healing found. Through this recent experience I've tried to lean into God and in doing so discovered the tenderness of The Blessed Mother and the gentleness of the Father.  Today, Day 5, the prayer brought greater comfort: "Gentle Father, I am under your care at all times and in all places and circumstances. There is not a moment of the day that I am not under your protection and loving gaze." (Wisdom, 12)

And so I wait and trust in God's perfect plan for my life.

*in some translations, this is verse 8.