The past couple of months have been difficult in the relationship department, I've alluded to that in a previous post. A romantic relationship breakup always has some sort of grief involved. Perhaps its the "good grief, I can't believe I dated that dude?" or the "I'm sad but things will look better soon" grief. This last break-up was the gut-wrenching "feels like my heart was cut out" grief. For he is a special man.
To help me attempt to understand my own emotions, I decided to read C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed. Now, C. S. Lewis was processing the death of his beloved wife, with whom he only had the privilege to spend a few years. And my situation is different. Reading his musings helped me better understand and accept my own thoughts and feelings. It was very affirming to where I found myself. It is a very short book - less than 100 pages - but filled with deep thoughts that deserved some pondering. There were a few sentences, paragraphs that stood out to me, and I would like share them along with some thoughts.
"And grief still feels like fear...Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen." (pg 33)
The idea of grief being fear, is freeing. Both can be overwhelming emotions that freeze you in place, unable to move. But thinking of them together gives them a framework for emotional processing, which requires time and waiting. Very apt description.
"We were even promised sufferings. They were part of the programme. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,'... If I had really cared, as I thought I did, about the sorrows of the world, I should not have been so overwhelmed when my own sorrow came." (pgs36-37)
Sufferings are a part of the Christian life. It is okay to ask why. It is okay to be sad. It is even okay to ask them to be taken away. Yet, I consider this: would I want to carry someone else's burden? I enjoy a full night's sleep in my comfortable bed in my warm house. No spouse means no one snoring in my ear keeping me awake at night. No children means waking up to a clean house I went to sleep in the night before. A job means a house with heat and running water. I have so much to be incredibly grateful and thankful for. My small dose of sufferings are minute to those that others experience.
"You can't see anything properly while your eyes are blurred with tears. You can't, in most things, get what you want if you want it too desperately: anyway, you can't get the best out of it." (pg 45)
I have shed many tears in the last couple of months. And as time goes go, I have started to see more clearly that perhaps we both wanted things to work so desperately that we were unable to see things differently or find a compromise that didn't compromise the important things.
"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. ... He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down." (pg 52)
Sometimes the sorrows we face help us to understand the depths of ourselves we did not know existed. Or to understand the level of emotions involved in a situation. God wants the best for each of us and sometimes that requires that our pride and fear get knocked around a bit so we will come to him for what we need.
"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. but a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'
Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable." (pg 69)
This quote was the most comforting because it freed me from trying to understand the whys of my situation and lean closer to God as I try to fathom why He considers my questions nonsensical.
If you find yourself grieving, check out the book and send me a note.
It would be a privilege to pray for you during your sorrow.
Advent Reading
Part 2
1 comment:
I am sorry to hear that the relationship didn't work out but I am happy to see how you are working thru it, always keeping your eyes on God. This is a great post filled with wisdom. I pray for good health and happiness in 2014!
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