Readings and Carols

I need to talk (blog) about something but I'm not sure where to begin so I'll just type.

I just spent 10 minutes crying sobbing in my car driving home from a service of Readings and Carols at my church. Great hiccuping sobs with shuddering breaths and little squeaks interspersed with tears rolling down my cheeks.

The service was beautiful with singing and carols - it reminded me of going to the MHC Christmas Vespers concert. I was surprised at the low attendance but still glad to be there for I enjoy listening and singing choral music. In fact, I miss singing in a choir. But these things did not cause my tears.

Towards the end of the concert I started thinking about the first family, sitting alone, being in time. And the loneliness hit as I sat alone in the middle of a crowd. Wondering if I will spend my entire life alone - doing things, going to events, eating dinner. After the concert ended people stopped to chat with those they knew. I saw a couple of people but wasn't able to catch their eye to say hello. Barely over a month have I attended this church and I am still getting to know people. and in a church with 5 services - there are a lot of people! So I left.

Walking but wanting to run quickly to my car before the tears started to fall. I could feel my heart breaking as I got into my car and driving out of the parking lot, the sobs came. The deep soul seeded sobs that involuntarily came. Watching two young couples crossing the street, I wondered if I would have that pleasure of sharing life with another person. It is nights like these when I wonder if being a "good girl" is really worth the sacrifice of being alone. Questioning God- are you there? do you care about my little woes in a time of great turmoil. when will you provide? The loneliness, the heart rending tears that cause your chest to feel like it will split open as your lips taste the salt of tears.

the comfort in all this? know that God counts each of my tears as they fall and keeps them in a bottle. (paraphrase of somewhere in Psalms) Tears shed in a dark car on a dark evening are not invisible. Each of them has been recorded and will not be forgotten.